It's not all about me. It's OK.

Recently, I had a conversation with one of my mentors, Dr. Mark Lyman Taylor. Just for the record, he is so awesome! Him and his wife make a great team, especially when it comes to sorting out my problems (which, often times, are quite a few!). I also like their dog Jazzmyn, but I especially like it when Mrs. T. buys me M&Ms or makes M&M cookies. But, alas, I digress...

The conversation entailed a discussion about relationships. With the move to VT coming up, I have been feeling a lot like many of my relationships will suffer. Some of my relationships won't I know, because of how they have been in the past. For instance, family ties will never end--Mom, Dad, Johanna, Gracie, Grandma, Aunt Sharon, etc... will always be there for me--ALWAYS! Then there are certain friends, like my roommate Amanda and my wonderful friend Christa who will always be there for me. I could go on and on, but just to name a few lasting relationships--Jenn, Heidi & Brandon, Telli, Dr. and Mrs. T. (of course) and I am sure that there are many other ones. I am not saying that other people aren't my friends now, but you know how it goes, certain ones don't last.

BUT... there are certain ones that I really want to work. And it seems that the ones that I most want to work, don't. I am a very relationship oriented person. In other words, I HATE when relationships suffer. Distance is one of the factors in my recently fractured friendships. For example, Hungary is one place where I made many close friendships and obviously they don't work out. I know the people there don't hate me or anything, but I think it stinks that I don't talk to them as often.

There are also many people in Grand Rapids that I am going to miss terribly. Certain professors/mentors/friends I am going to miss terribly! I seemed to gain a certain flow there; my friends and I just got each other. Sadly, we had similar humor. Well, to us it wasn't sad... it was actually quite entertaining. But, to others--those who didn't know us--it would definately be considered pathetic. Ah well...

And then I have friends in Onsted... (Sarah K., you could be in two categories--Onsted or GR, but I prefer to think of you in the GR category, because right now I am definately feeling closer to my GR relationships... no offense to those of you in Onsted!!). It's these relationships that I worry about the most: 1) At some level, I feel like I have no more common points of interest, 2) I definately feel like I don't have enough energy to keep in contact with people in two different places, plus gain new friendships in VT, 3) At some level, I have to ask myself, "What is the point?" To state this in the words of one of my fav movies, Pirates of the Caribbean, "To what point and purpose, matey?" For most of my relationships in O-Town, I can definately NOT say, "I would die for them." I know that that statement probably sounds quite morbid, but I think that is the type of friend I am. If I don't feel like my relationships go all the way, then I feel like there really isn't a point to them. I know that is very selfish; I have had this conversation with more than one person. But, how can I ditch a personality trait that I have always had? And, personally, I don't think that it is a BAD personality trait. It isn't a trait that could be considered morally or ethically *wrong*. Perhaps, people could disagree with it, and that, of course, is fine...

What am I trying to say? I guess, just what I said to Dr. T.: I don't have the energy to keep up both ends of a relationship. That, too, is not wrong. It just is.

My problem is going to be constantly wondering if the people whom I have "ended" (by end, I don't mean I will completely ignore them) a relationship with HATE me... I think that is just something I am going to have to wrestle with on my own terms. As Chuck would say, "Sarah, it's not all about you."

So, to close this depressing blog...

It isn't ALL about me.

It's okay.