Wicked Bummed

Well... here I am in Vermont, and to be totally honest I am so upset today! Today was just a bad day in general because I had one of my students tell me that I couldn't teach. I know that I am accepted in Christ no matter what, but it sucks when the kids can just get you where it hurts the most.

But then there is the thing that keeps coming back to get me: I want to screenwriter. However, I also know that I need to be where God wants me. Therefore, if God doesn't want me to be a screenwriter then I will do what He wants. I know that, ultimately, what He wants will make me the most happy--but that bites! God and I had a long conversation about this in my car today and we didn't really get anywhere, except that I chose to take up my cross and follow Him. As a Christian (someone who is crucified in Christ... it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me), I have the freedom to choose to say no. However, I know that if I choose to say no I will never truly be happy. I don't understand why I still feel like I am searching. Is it because I am not in Heaven? Will I always be searching until I get to Heaven?

Further, sometimes I wish that I wasn't a Christian because then I could just run off to Cali and get my MFA in screenwriting and make my connections and make it in the business. Of course, if I write sentences like that the farthest I will make it is to the nearest Micky D's.

I seriously hope that someone from JAG actually reads my letter and takes it into consideration. I know that is a really dumb thing to wish for and that I should be focused on world peace or the betterment of myself, but that isn't what I want. I want to be selfish and focus on me and my wants and my desires. I am tired of doing what God wants even though I know it is the only way.

WHY?!?!?!?!? Grr!!! I hate always being the "good little Christian girl!" I absolutely hate it!

I want to move to California.

I want to be a screenwriter for JAG.

I want... I want... I want...

Not God wants...

Yes, I know that I am living out of my flesh right now. But, don't I have the freedom to do that if I really want to? Of course, but I need to set my mind on things above and not on things on earth.

Just pray for me... pray that I learn to trust God even in Vermont.